


In a Quiet Place

by toyhto



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Alternate Universe - World War I, Angst, M/M, One Shot, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-04 00:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6632437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toyhto/pseuds/toyhto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>And all the colours were gone but grey, it was all grey, and he thought,</i> I can’t take this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In a Quiet Place

26th of July, 1916  
Somme, France  
  
**  
  
’Hungry?’  
  
’No.’  
  
Sirius frowned. The boy surely hadn’t eaten for the whole day, he had to be starving. And still he just stared back at him through the window so small Sirius could only see his head, leaning against the stone wall.  
  
And… _wait_. ‘Wait _._ You speak English?’  
  
The boy sighed. ‘Yes.’  
  
‘Really?’  
  
‘Yes.’  
  
‘But,’ Sirius said, inhaling deeply. ‘But… you sure you ain’t hungry?’  
  
There was a long silence. He caught the boy’s eyes and had to look somewhere else, and then he took a slice of bread and held it out for the boy through the tiny window.  
  
‘Take it,’ he said, when nothing happened. ‘You must be starving. Just eat it.’  
  
‘I don’t – ‘  
  
‘It’s fine. It’s not poisoned or anything,’ Sirius frowned, ‘though I don’t really know who would do that sort of a thing anyway.’  
  
The boy rose onto his feet. It was almost dark already and Sirius couldn’t really see him that well, but for a second there was moonlight on his face as he came forward and took the slice of bread from his hand. Sirius swallowed.  
  
‘Thank you,’ the boy said, after a few seconds.  
  
‘What’s your name?’  
  
The boy threw a glare at him. ‘Really? You supposed to ask that?’  
  
‘No,’ Sirius said, ‘probably not. I want to know, though.’  
  
‘I’ll pass.’  
  
‘Fine. _Fine._ ’ It didn’t matter, anyway. But the night was going to be long and his right ankle was still aching and the cold always made his shoulder worse, the one from which they had taken that shard away some six months ago. ‘So, how come you speak English?’  
  
‘Sprichst du nicht Deutsch?’  
  
‘ _Fuck._ Don’t do _that._ ’  
  
‘Well,’ the boy said slowly and his voice hinted that there was a smile of sort on his face, ‘do you?’  
  
‘Yes,’ he hissed, ‘a little, if you must know. But let’s keep it in English. I think everyone’s sleeping, you know, it’s not like there’s a chance for a proper night of sleep too often, but still…’  
  
‘And you poor thing are watching me.’  
  
‘Well, _yes._ So no talking in German, if I may ask.’  
  
‘Or,’ the boy said, again with a hint of smile, though this time it surely was a sad one, ‘or you’ll do what, punch me?’  
  
‘I’m not really allowed to unlock that door to do that,’ Sirius said, suddenly feeling very tired. It had been a long day, after all, or, come to think of it, a long year or two. ‘So I guess I just have to ask nicely. I don’t really need that kind of attention.’  
  
‘You in trouble?’  
  
‘No. Not really. But, you know, it’s not a language you’re supposed to know at the moment.’  
  
The boy gave a short laugh. ‘Yeah, like it would make you any different.’  
  
Sirius shrugged and then realised the boy locked in the tiny cottage couldn’t see him. ‘That’s not my concern,’ he said instead. ‘So, tell me. How come you speak English?’  
  
‘Why would you ask that?’ He could hardly hear his voice.  
  
‘No reason, just thought I’d prefer talking to freezing my ass off in silence.’  
  
‘It’s not even cold.’  
  
‘It was a metaphor.’  
  
‘Sure.’  
  
‘So, you didn’t answer. Or,’ he frowned, trying once again see the boy’s expression through the dark and not coming even close, ‘would you rather sleep?’  
  
‘Ah. No. I don’t think I’ll get any sleep tonight.’  
  
There might have been something in those words, something he ought to have given more thought, but he didn’t. His ankle was getting worse, stupid thing, he was in fucking _war_ and he had a _sprained ankle_ slowing him down.  
  
‘Okay. Just answer the question, then.’  
  
The boy exhaled deeply. Sirius didn’t really think he’d answer, but when he tried to figure out something else to ask, the boy cleared his throat and spoke in a quiet, low voice, ‘I have family living in… Wales. Near to Cardiff, if you have to know. I’ve spent summers there since… well, I can’t remember. Since always.’  
  
‘Okay,’ Sirius said, somehow surprised. ‘So you’re like… quarter Welsh?’  
  
The boy gave a short laugh. ‘Does it matter if I am?’  
  
Sirius swallowed. ‘No. Probably not. I just… it’s weird.’  
  
‘What’s weird?’  
  
‘You speak English so well. With an accent, but… still. Feels like you’re one of us, really.’  
  
‘You speak German,’ the boy said, only a whisper in the quiet night, but still Sirius felt nervousness creeping in. ‘So, what’s your story about that?’  
  
‘No story,’ he snapped, ‘and would you shut up about that, we’ll be in trouble if someone hears – ‘  
  
‘I don’t know if it’s possible to me to be in any more trouble. Seriously, though, there must be a story. You are like… like freaking out right now, even though I’m the one who’s locked up.’  
  
‘I didn’t do that,’ Sirius pointed out and then gritted his teeth, lowering his voice, ‘it’s just that… I’ve got family there. So that’s why I can speak the language.’  
  
‘ _Family._ So, you’re like _quarter German_.’  
  
Sirius sighed. The emptied village was very quiet, though, there was only some distant laughter coming from the house where the officers stayed, probably drinking whiskey at the moment.  
  
‘Kind of. So now you know and we can talk about something else.’  
  
‘Sweet,’ the boy said, ‘so we might be related.’  
  
‘I’m sure we aren’t.’  
  
‘You used to spend summers in Germany?’  
  
‘Well, yeah,’ Sirius said, considering how much in trouble he would be if he just opened the door and punched the guy in the face. He had the key, after all. For emergencies probably, like if the guy tried to kill himself. Surely this was coming close to an emergency. ‘So, Welsh guy, what are you doing fighting against the Brits?’  
  
‘I don’t care shit about fighting,’ the boy answered, and suddenly there was something far too serious in his voice.  
  
‘Oh.’  
  
‘I’d never have… fuck, do _you_ want to be here then?’  
  
Actually it kind of sounded a bit dumb, said like that. ‘Yeah. Kind of. At least I... I did.’  
  
‘Why?’ there was an edge in the boy’s voice, like he hadn’t been able even imagine a single reason good enough to get in the middle of all this madness. ‘You trying to impress someone? Or didn’t you have a job?’  
  
‘More like… I was trying to get the fuck out of London and my family. And also, they never wanted us to go to war. Too risky, they said, might lose an heir.’  
  
‘Oh, fuck. You rich or something?’  
  
‘Kind of,’ he said, and then he thought _fuck, I’ll never see this guy again,_ ‘yeah, I am, or my family is. I didn’t sign up at first. Then my little brother did and I… well, it seemed like a right thing to do, to piss my parents off but also… the war that would end all the wars and all that stuff, you know – ‘  
  
The boy laughed, like, _really_ laughed and Sirius froze, but the laugh died away and then there was a long and heavy silence between them.  
  
‘So,’ the boy said finally, a weird tone in his voice, like the two of them were having a pleasant conversation in the dinner party, ‘the little brother, where’s he now?’  
  
‘Missing. Since 1914.’  
  
‘Shit. I’m sorry.’ He said it like he meant it. Sirius felt something aching inside him, or perhaps he was just hungry.  
  
‘Don’t worry. It’s… I’ve seen a lot after that.’  
  
‘And it’s possible you’ll find him.’  
  
‘Yes. Theoretically,’ he said with a long sigh. ‘So. Your turn. Why did they find you in the woods, alone, in the wrong side of the line?’  
  
There was a long silence. Sirius heard the boy move in the room behind him, but couldn’t really see anything, it was far too dark.  
  
‘Why don’t you guess,’ the boy said finally with a very quiet voice. Sirius leaned his face against the stone fall, trying to see the guy through the window, but all he could see was the figure of his back.  
  
‘Okay,’ he said slowly, ‘you got lost?’  
  
‘Well. I did. But it happened later.’  
  
‘ _Shit_ ,’ Sirius breathed out, and apparently the boy waited for him to say it aloud, because there was no voice in the heavy air between them, ‘you deserted.’  
  
‘Yeah.’  
  
‘You stupid git, why the fuck would you do that? It’s more dangerous than… they’ll shoot you.’  
  
‘Probably not,’ the boy said quite calmly but he was sad, and he was fucking afraid, Sirius could tell without seeing his face. ‘I suppose your lot is going to shoot me in the morning.’  
  
‘ _Fuck_ ,’ Sirius said, _‘no,_ no. No. Of course not. You’re prisoner of war, kid. The British troops won’t shoot prisoners.’  
  
‘Sure. They’ll just drag along this one guy.’  
  
‘We _will_ ,' Sirius said, surprised to find out how angry his own voice was, ‘no one’s going to shoot you, or…’  
  
‘Ah.’  
  
‘Well, someone _might._ But not a Brit. Or, actually, it probably _would_ be a Brit, but, like, in a battle, not when you’re captured. _Shit._ ’  
  
‘Yeah. That’s basically what we’re here for,’ the boy said with a dry tone, which was almost cheerful compared to how Sirius felt like at the moment. ‘Getting shot.’  
  
‘No,’ he said, very tired and very much needing to tell the strange boy that it definitely wasn’t what they were there for, ‘ _no,_ we are here to… to… end the war, to – ‘  
  
‘There’ll be others.’  
  
‘Not in Europe. Surely not. This is going to – ‘  
  
‘They don’t give a shit about our lives, you know. If they did, they wouldn’t make us go slaughtered like… like this month has been. This whole fucking month. And nothing comes out of it, _nothing_ , the fucking frontier is still in the same fucking place – ‘  
  
‘I’m sure there’s something – ‘  
  
‘You’re just trying to kill as many as you can,’ the boy said, ‘and we’re trying to kill as many as we can, and that’s about it. That’s what we’re doing here. And someone’s getting more wealth and more power because of this, but it surely ain’t us. We’re just getting killed.’  
  
‘ _Shit_ , you’re… resentful.’  
  
‘So,’ and there was a voice of steps on a stone floor and Sirius blinked when he realised the boy had to be now standing right next to him, only in the different side of the wall, ‘how many have you killed?’  
  
‘How many people? I don’t know.’  
  
‘Were you planning to? Is that why you came here?’  
  
‘No. No, of course not, I was trying to… _shit_ , I was trying to get far away from Mom. _Shit._ But, you know, it’s not like we have a choice, it’s _kill or get killed_ , really – ‘  
  
‘I did, too,’ the boy said, and it took a few seconds for Sirius to figure out what he meant, ‘last week. It was a boy, like, perhaps a year or two younger than me, hard to say. I shot at him and it hit him in his chest, and he lied there crying for help and asking for Emma, _where’s Emma, I have to see my Emma_ , she must have been his girlfriend or wife or fucking _daughter_ , and for a second I thought I had to kneel down and try to tie his wound, and then I realised I had done it myself and that I had _meant to_ …’  
  
‘Is that why,’ Sirius began, pausing to clear his throat, ‘why you run off?’  
  
‘Yeah. Yes. Basically. I mean, I never wanted to be here and I thought I was safe already, I really did, stupid me, but then the law changed and I thought it was like… like destiny, or more like a revenge, perhaps, a revenge from my sins or whatever. I wasn’t planning on deserting. But… we can’t just _kill_ people, there’s no point in it, it _has to be wrong._ It has to be. More wrong than saying that you won’t do it.’  
  
‘Like… like you might lose your soul?’  
  
The boy laughed a bit, but it wasn’t a happy laugh. ‘I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I don’t feel like I have a soul, at least not after this, after what I’ve seen here, like, in fucking one month – ‘  
  
‘You’ve only been here one month?’  
  
‘Yes.’  
  
‘Shit.’  
  
‘Yeah. _Shit._ And, you know, if we had seen each other in the battlefield, you’d have killed me. You’d have shot me in my fucking face and never thought about it.’  
  
‘Shut up,’ Sirius said, pushing his face against the window, but it was too small and he couldn’t see the other boy, ‘ _shut up_ , I wouldn’t have, or… I would. I fucking would. But I couldn’t have helped it.’  
  
‘Yeah,’ the boy said in a soft tone.  
  
‘And you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t have done it, really?’  
  
‘I won’t kill anyone.’ There was a voice of movement and Sirius almost jumped when the boy’s face appeared in front of him. There was something like twenty centimetres between them and no glass and his heart was pounding, and it was _stupid_ , and surely he needed to back out like _right now_ but somehow he couldn’t move, ‘I’ll never kill again. I _can’t_. They can shoot me if they wish, but I just can’t do it.’  
  
‘So,’ Sirius said, swallowing, and the words he meant to say felt heavy on his tongue, ‘what’s your name?’  
  
The boy frowned, staring at him with mouth half-open. He was young but probably not much younger than Sirius, and there were weird scars on his face, and his eyes must have been blue though it was really too dark to see colours, and he had these narrow lips and a slight gap between his front teeth, and Sirius felt his stomach drop as he thought _I’d have tried to shoot him, had we met in the battle._  
  
‘Really? My name?’  
  
Sirius nodded.  
  
‘We’re back to asking names, then?’  
  
‘You told me you deserted, you might as well tell me your name now.’  
  
The boy sighed deeply and moved away from the window, and Sirius thought, _shit_.  
  
‘I’ll tell you mine,’ Sirius said after twenty-something seconds of silence.  
  
‘It doesn’t work that way. You ain’t the prisoner here.’  
  
‘So. _Why_ did you tell me?’  
  
The boy came back to the window. Sirius leaned forward and heard himself exhale. The boy watched him with a frown on his face.  
  
‘That I deserted?’  
  
‘Yeah.’  
  
The boy shrugged. ‘You asked.’  
  
‘But I’m asking your _name_ now. I get that you don’t trust me, of course you don’t, but we’re going to be here for the whole night and I just – ‘  
  
‘Remus.’  
  
‘ _Remus?’  
  
‘_ Yes.’  
  
‘Ah.’ Sirius bit his lip. ‘Okay. _Okay._ Great. I’m Sirius.’  
  
‘You’re what?’ the boy moved back.  
  
‘That’s my name,’ Sirius said quickly, though he didn’t have a clue why it made his stomach hurt to see how the boy was scared of him. ‘That’s my name. _Sirius._ Sirius Black.’  
  
The boy – _Remus_ – stared at him, mouth half-open, eyes searching something from his face. ‘You told me your _family name.’_  
  
‘I just told you name is fucking _Sirius Black_ ,’ Sirius said. ‘You’re allowed to laugh at that. _Seriously._ ’  
  
‘Fuck,’ Remus muttered and then there was a smile appearing on the left corner of his mouth, a crooked smile, and hesitant, like it might be gone in any second. Sirius blinked as he realised he was staring. He couldn’t really help it, though. _‘Sirius Black._ That must the stupidest English name I’ve ever heard.’  
  
‘I’m sure,’ Sirius said. He shouldn’t have felt that good about the boy… Remus laughing, but he did. ‘So, what’s yours?’  
  
Remus licked his lower lip, probably unconsciously, and once again Sirius tried not to stare. ‘Lupin.’  
  
‘Remus Lupin,’ Sirius repeated slowly. ‘So. A wolf thing, then. And not quite German.’  
  
‘Not quite Welsh, either.’  
  
‘You just told me your family name, too.’  
  
‘Sirius,’ Remus said slowly, like he was tasting his name in his mouth, trying to figure out if it fit there or not, ‘yeah. I did. Weird.’  
  
‘You don’t have to be afraid of me,’ Sirius said and realised right away it was probably very much untrue, and also not something he was supposed to say aloud. ‘Really. Or, I mean I _know_ we’re enemies and all and you’re our prisoner for now but I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t _do_ anything bad to you if I can avoid that – ‘  
  
‘Like you don’t kill people if you can avoid that,’ Remus asked with a weirdly soft tone, ‘yeah?’  
  
‘No, _no,_ not at all like that! I mean… I just mean you can _trust_ me… or you can’t, of course, because we’re enemies and all that stuff but I… I wish so much you could.’  
  
‘Yeah,’ Remus said sounding sincere and Sirius thought _, this is crazy, this is madness_ , and leaned forward.  
  
‘So, I’m wondering, what colour are your eyes?’  
  
Remus blinked. ‘ _What?’  
  
_ ‘It’s too fucking dark, I can’t tell colours apart.’  
  
‘They are blue,’ Remus said in a few seconds, ‘or blue-ish, maybe.’  
  
‘Mine are grey.’  
  
‘Yes, I know.’  
  
‘You see colours? In the dark?’  
  
‘There’s moonlight on your face, Sirius,’ Remus said and there might have been a hint of mocking in a way he said his name, but he didn’t mind, not a bit.  
  
‘I wish I could let you out,’ Sirius said as quietly as he could, even though the village had gone into silence already, it had to be well past midnight. ‘I really wish. Then I could see your face when we talk. We could just sit here and talk.’  
  
Remus sighed and Sirius bit his lower lip, because, _really,_ if there was a point in all this he seemed to have lost it somehow, this boy was sitting right in front of him and staring at him in the eyes and talking to him and laughing at him and he had a warm feeling inside him, something that had been gone for a long time until now, and still… still they were supposed to hate each other, or worse. _Or worse._  
  
‘So, you deserted,’ Sirius heard himself saying, ‘because you don’t believe in war, not because you’re afraid.’  
  
‘I’m fucking terrified,’ Remus said with a low voice, ‘like, _all the time_ , even when I eat or sleep I sometimes find out that my hands are just shaking, like, like I can’t control them _at all_ , and, you know, it’s only gone worse since I… since I left, I suppose I’m now afraid of them both, the Brits and the German...‘  
  
‘I think I’ve gone numb somehow,’ Sirius said. ‘I used to be terrified, like, thinking how I could die in any second and then there was also this, I don’t know, something strange inside me, like I was mad somehow, like, when I was in the battle I couldn’t think at all, no fear, no nothing, I just wanted to _get out_ and could think nothing else. But lately, lately I just… I don’t know. It’s like they’re gone. All the colours of it are gone.’  
  
‘But you aren’t afraid, then.’  
  
‘Things you said, things like it must be wrong that we try to kill each other… I don’t think about things like that. Maybe I’m just shit. I’m just... Maybe I’ve lost something I can never get back. Like, like…’  
  
‘Like your soul’, Remus said softly.  
  
‘Yeah. Like my soul.’  
  
‘I don’t think you have.’  
  
‘Why?’  
  
‘You asked me if I was hungry,’ Remus said. ‘And you asked my name. You could have, you know, just beat me up or something.’  
  
‘ _Shit_ ,’ Sirius said, unable to look at Remus, who was staring at him straight into his eyes, ‘I would _never_ – ‘  
  
‘So I think you still have your soul,’ Remus said and there was a hint of smile that made it easier for Sirius to inhale. ‘Someone would have, you know.’  
  
‘No, they wouldn’t.’  
  
‘Yes, they would.’  
  
‘I can’t even… shit. Let’s speak about something else.’  
  
‘Yeah,’ Remus agreed with a deep sigh, ‘something else, as if there’s anything else going on in the world.’  
  
‘There will be,’ Sirius said with much more confident than he felt, because, really, it had been _two years_ since the war started, two years since Regulus went missing, and still _nothing,_ and it had begun to feel normal to get up in the morning and wonder if someone was going to shoot a hole right through you today… just fucking _normal_ until now that he was sitting here, in this quiet little village, watching the boy locked up inside, and he had the key, he had the fucking _key._ And he couldn’t use it. ‘There will be. So, what do you do? What did you do in Germany?’  
  
‘Ah,’ Remus said, frowning, and suddenly he wouldn’t quite face Sirius’ eyes. ‘Nothing, really.’  
  
‘But you must be like, twenty or something.’  
  
‘Twenty-one.’  
  
‘Oh, me, too, we’re so alike, I… _shit,_ I was trying to say that surely you’ve done something. Did you study?’  
  
Remus inhaled deeply, watching him carefully like he was trying to decide something. Finally he licked his lips and began, ‘no. I was in jail.’  
  
Sirius blinked. ‘What?’  
  
‘Yeah. For three years. I got out last year and I thought, maybe a job, but then… then they changed to law. They were running out of people to send getting killed, I suppose.’  
  
‘But… what did you _do?’  
  
_ ‘I’d rather not tell you that.’  
  
‘But… _why?_ Is it that bad? I’ve killed like… like a lot of people in these past two years.’  
  
‘You don’t really want to know,’ Remus said, barely loudly enough to get heard. ‘Trust me. It’s better you don’t know.’  
  
‘I already promised you don’t need to be afraid of me,’ Sirius said, and then, with a weird taste in his mouth, _‘Remus_.’  
  
Remus shook his head, eyeing the floor. ‘Yeah. Fine. But… but you might not want to talk to me. And…’  
  
‘And?’  
  
‘And it’s literally the only thing worth anything to me right now,’ Remus breathed out, still not facing him.  
  
Sirius felt heavy weight crumbling inside him, like there was a stone or something, or like a piece of him had gone loose somehow.  
  
‘I promise,’ he said, barely a whisper, ‘I promise I’ll talk to you as long as you don’t fall asleep.’  
  
Remus laughed out a little and it was the best voice ever. ‘Okay. Fine. Just… I won’t look at you so I don’t see your face when I say it.’  
  
‘Okay. But there’s no need. Really. Tell me.’  
  
‘I was,’ Remus started, clearly trying to sound calm even though his voice was shaking a little, ‘I was caught with a man.’  
  
Sirius blinked. ‘Like…’  
  
‘Like, _with a man._ ’  
  
‘Oh. _Oh._ Shit.’  
  
Remus bit his lower lip and met his gaze, his blue-ish eyes glancing through Sirius’ face. ‘I knew you didn’t want to know.’  
  
‘No,’ Sirius said quickly, shaking his head, ‘no, it’s not… _shit,_ Remus, I’m not… it doesn’t matter to me. _Really._ ’  
  
‘But – ‘  
  
‘Do you regret it?’  
  
Remus shook his head very slowly. ‘Getting caught, yeah. But… it’s… it’s the way I am. I can’t help it.’  
  
‘So – ‘  
  
‘Yeah.’  
  
‘So it wasn’t something you were just… trying out.’  
  
Remus sighed, barely audible, and cleared his throat, ‘no. So. _So._ What did you do, back then? Did you study?’  
  
‘You’re changing the topic.’  
  
‘Of course I am,’ Remus said, nervous edge in his quiet voice.  
  
‘But I don’t _mind._ It’s fine. I won’t judge you.’  
  
‘Thank you. _So,_ your life, did you – ‘  
  
‘I was a rich kid,’ Sirius said, wishing Remus would come back to the window and wishing he could avoid changing the subject, though he wasn’t sure _why_. Perhaps he was a bit freaked out, or surprised at least, he wouldn’t have guessed… but there was so much going on in the world that should have freaked him out nowadays, surely he would get past the fact that Remus preferred… and there was a small warm thing inside him, like a hidden smile. ‘I was just being a rich kid, I suppose. You’d have hated me.’  
  
‘And why’s that?’ Remus voice’ was soft, and Sirius leaned his cheek against the cold stone of the wall and closed his eyes.  
  
‘You sound like a smart person. Someone who doesn’t take nonsense. And… everything about my family is nonsense. All those stupid rules. All that money, and I don’t even know where it came from in the first place. We’re living in a fucking _castle_.’  
  
‘Shit,’ Remus whispered. ‘You’re like a prince.’  
  
Sirius had to laugh, he couldn’t help it. Then he listened for a few seconds, suddenly afraid of someone hearing them, someone coming to order him away, but no-one came. ‘Hardly a prince. But… well.’  
  
‘I wouldn’t have hated you. Or probably I would have, at first, but you could have talked me out of it.’  
  
‘Good,’ Sirius said, ‘ _good._ So now you know what I was doing, before the war. I was being rich and unhappy.’  
  
‘So,’ Remus said very slowly, like calculating, ‘what will you do when the war is over?’  
  
‘ _Oh.’  
  
_ ‘Yes,’ and now his voice was a bit demanding though still quiet, ‘what will you do? Will you go back to your castle? Will you study?’  
  
‘I won’t go back,’ Sirius said, words tasting weird in his mouth, _fuck_ , how long had it been since he had thought about _future_ , ‘I can’t bear it anymore. I’ll rent my own place in London – ‘  
  
‘Your own little castle in London.’  
  
‘I doubt mom and dad would let me have that. I could find a job. I _could._ I’ve been a soldier for years. Finding a job can’t be much worse.’  
  
‘Sounds nice,’ Remus said, ‘really nice.’  
  
‘Are you going back to Germany?’ Sirius asked, holding his breath when Remus’ face appeared to the window. ‘You could come to London, you know.’  
  
‘I could visit your London castle.’  
  
‘There really ain’t going to be a castle, but… yeah.’  
  
‘And your friends would ask us how we met.’  
  
Sirius bit his lip. Remus stared at him and he thought, _there’s this wall between us, there’s the lock, and I keep forgetting it, I just keep forgetting it…_  
  
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, words rumbling out of his mouth, ‘I’m so sorry, I don’t mean it to be like this, this is _mad_ , we should have met in London, maybe in a park or in a dinner party or anything, anything but this – ‘  
  
‘It’s fine,’ Remus said, not looking away. ‘We can’t fix this. I know that.’  
  
‘But it’s… it’s…’  
  
‘ _So_. Do you have someone missing you back in England? Besides your Mom?’  
  
‘I very much doubt Mom’s missing me,’ Sirius said, clearing his throat, ‘and no, I don’t.’  
  
‘Not a girlfriend, then.’  
  
‘No, nothing like that. I just…’ he felt like he ought to explain, and Remus’ eyes wandered on his face, ‘just never met anyone I’d have liked that much.’  
  
‘Too bad.’ Remus’ voice was very quiet, and Sirius shivered, _fuck_ it was getting cold, it had to be two o’clock or something already, and there were only a few hours until sunrise, and then, _then_... _  
  
_ ‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘too bad. So, _you_ – ‘  
  
‘ _Really?_ ’ Remus frowned.  
  
‘Yeah.’ Sirius found himself licking his upper lip only when Remus’ eyes got fixed on his mouth, ‘yeah. You asked first. So, do _you_ have someone missing you? Back in… well.’  
  
‘No,’ Remus said, his voice barely a whisper. ‘I was in jail. For years. Just got out. I barely know my mother anymore.’  
  
‘So, the guy you… you were with, he ain’t like… it wasn’t serious…’  
  
There was an uncomfortable smile on Remus’ lips. ‘No. It wasn’t. We just… just a few times, really.’  
  
‘But,’ Sirius said slowly, ‘but how did you… how did you… do that? How did you find him? How did you know he would… or, how did you know _you_ would…’  
  
‘I don’t really want to talk about that now – ‘  
  
‘Please.’  
  
Remus eyed him warily, ‘okay, _okay,_ I just… I just had a feeling. I wasn’t _sure._ Before.’  
  
‘About… about which thing?’  
  
‘Either of them, really. I… I thought I preferred… well, men. I thought I preferred men, though I tried not to. And then there was this… a friend of a friend, and I began to think that maybe there was something going on, maybe – ‘  
  
‘Why?’  
  
‘What?’  
  
‘What made you… think there might have been?’  
  
‘He kept eyeing me,’ Remus said in a hushed voice, ‘and smiling, and… I could sense it somehow.’  
  
‘And you asked and – ‘  
  
‘I didn’t ask. I grabbed his arm once when we’re alone, and he licked his lips and looked so nervous, and… _shit,_ I’m not supposed to tell you this.’  
  
‘But it was good.’  
  
‘What?’  
  
‘Being with him,’ Sirius said, swallowing, ‘it was good, because you did it again.’  
  
‘I’m like that,’ Remus said, facing him through the window. ‘I’m queer. I just am. It’s not like it’s a choice you can make.’  
  
‘But they put you to jail – ‘  
  
‘I wish we hadn’t get caught, of course. And that he hadn’t bailed on me. He… shit, I really shouldn’t but… he was, like, from a rich family and he panicked and… told them I had lured him into it. I’d have gone to jail anyway, I think but… that probably cost me a year more. And…’  
  
‘Fuck, you must _hate_ him – ‘  
  
‘I kinda thought I was in love with him, so… it’s weird, really, you’re in a fucking _jail_ and shit’s happening and still there were times when I thought that the worst of it was that he… broke my heart, or something like that.’  
  
‘I’m sorry,’ Sirius rambled, ‘I’m so sorry, that’s shit, he shouldn’t have done that, how could he be such an asshole – ‘  
  
‘He got scared. I don’t _hate_ him. But... no, there’s no one missing me back home. Besides mom and dad.’  
  
‘But surely, when the war is over – ‘ he saw Remus’s grimace and chose to ignore that, ‘ – when it’s all over and you get back home, you’ll find someone, someone who ain’t fucking chicken – ‘  
  
‘Since we’re being honest,’ Remus said, staring straight through him, and Sirius found it hard to breathe, ‘I’m not going home. You might, but I… if your lot ain’t going to kill me, or, like, fever, if I ever get back to Germany, I’m going to prison again, and it ain’t going to be just a few years this time. It’s like… shit, I just meant that... whatever happens next, my life’s pretty much over.’  
  
‘But it can’t be, you’re… you’re…’  
  
‘You don’t have to lie, though. We could just talk about something else.’  
  
Sirius shook his head. ‘You’ve given up. You shouldn’t. You _shouldn’t._  
  
‘Sirius,’ Remus said with a very soft voice, ‘I’m a prisoner and a deserter, and a fucking queer, and I’ve seen hundreds of men die these past few weeks. If someone’s getting through this all, it surely ain’t me.’  
  
‘But it can’t be like that – ‘  
  
‘Let’s talk about something else, anything.’ Remus smiled, a fake smile, and Sirius wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him but he couldn’t, because he was a guard and Remus was a prisoner, and _fucking shit,_ it _couldn’t_ be like this -  
  
‘Fine,’ he said, biting his own teeth, and nothing was _fine_ and he didn’t know what the hell he could do about it, but it was like, like three hours until sunrise and he was terrified, he was fucking tired and terrified and couldn’t think straight, and Remus was eyeing him carefully and he had to look somewhere else, ‘let’s talk about something else. Your scars.’  
  
‘My scars?’  
  
‘Yes. In your face. Did you get them here?’  
  
‘Sirius – ‘  
  
‘You wanted to talk about something else.’  
  
‘You’re angry,’ Remus stated, looking confused, ‘you’re angry because I think I’m going to die.’  
  
‘We all think we’re going to die,’ Sirius barked, ‘but you have to at least fucking pretend that there’s hope, you can’t just _quit_ like that – ‘  
  
‘Jail. I got them in jail.’  
  
Sirius frowned. _Oh._ The scars. ‘Shit, how – ‘  
  
‘Well, they somehow got to know why I had been put in there. I suppose it was like a warning, like _don’t mess around here, kid._ They didn’t mean to kill me, anyway.’  
  
‘But it must have… hurt like hell.’  
  
‘All the things you must have seen here,’ Remus said, ‘one could think you’d be used to seeing things that must have hurt like hell.’  
  
‘Yeah, of course, but it’s… different. It’s… this is war. The rules are different. But…’  
  
‘It’s fine,’ Remus said, ‘it’s not like I’m planning a future in beauty contests – ‘  
  
‘I like them,’ Sirius said and then bit his lip.  
  
Remus blinked. ‘You _like_ them?’  
  
‘Shit, I don’t… I don’t like how you _got_ them, I didn’t mean _that_ , I just... you look tough, _that’s_ what I meant, you look both tough and… like a person who _thinks_. You look like your head might be full of thoughts and… feelings and stuff, and you must be smart, and I’ve never seen scars like that on anyone else, and… that’s what I meant, pretty much. I think.’  
  
‘Okay,’ Remus said slowly, ‘thank you, I suppose.’  
  
‘You’re welcome,’ Sirius said automatically and then felt like punching himself. Remus was eyeing him warily and his own words didn’t make sense _at all_ and his thoughts were a mess as well, and he couldn’t bring himself to think about the morning.  
  
‘Sirius. Would you… say something to me in German.’  
  
‘ _What?_ Why?’  
  
‘Would you?’  
  
Sirius took a deep breath. The whole village had gone quiet. There were soldiers on duty, of course, watching over the whole place, but it had been like a few first quiet days in a whole fucking month, and they must have been deadly tired, or drunk, or perhaps they just didn’t bother to check on Sirius, perhaps they thought he’d be fine on his own, it was just this one boy he was holding captive, after all.  
  
And Remus was looking at him, his eyes, his scars, his lips that were fighting back a nervous smile, and Sirius couldn’t help thinking, _another time, another place_ -  
  
‘Es ist wirklich still,’ Sirius said, and Remus smiled.  
  
‘Yeah. Quiet. Like the whole world has forgotten about us.’  
  
‘Aber ich wünschte, wir noch woanders waren.’  
  
‘Ja,’ Remus said, ‘ _ja._ Ich auch.’  
  
Sirius swallowed. The window was small and he didn’t want to break his gaze away from Remus, and there was a stab of pain in his bad shoulder, and Remus looked like he was going to say something but he didn’t, and then Sirius’ hand was leaning against the window frame. Remus’ mouth opened and he stared at Sirius’ fingers and then his face and slowly, slowly backed away a little. Sirius realised he was holding his breath but couldn’t help it, and then Remus placed his hand over his.  
  
‘Fuck,’ Sirius breathed out, ‘ _fuck_ , I can’t take this – ‘  
  
‘Shut up,’ Remus said, biting his lips, ‘this is bad enough as it is, just shut up and let me – ‘  
  
And then it was all quiet: distant footsteps, some reckless birds singing in few trees that had survived the front line, a dark blue line in the horizon softly saying that the morning was on its way, _the morning was on its way,_ and amazingly warm hand against Sirius’, fingers stroking the back of his hand, hesitant, careful, and he was terrified, he was in deep terror all through, and all the voices of the world were gone, and all the colours were gone but grey, it was all grey, and he thought, _I can’t take this._  
  
Remus took a sharp breath when Sirius drew his hand back, but he couldn’t face Remus now or he would lose it. He put his hand to his pocket and there it was, and he closed his fingers around it and knew that his heart was beating madly, and that there wasn’t going to be a way back.  
  
There was a click loud enough to wake the whole village, but no one woke up, it was all quiet. Sirius took the key out of the lock and tossed it away, as far as he could, and the door squeaked, and there was Remus, slowly rising onto his feet, mouth pressed tightly shut, eyes staring straight into Sirius’.  
  
‘Punch me,’ Sirius said, ‘punch me in my face and then go. And don’t you fucking dare to get caught again.’  
  
Remus shook his head.  
  
Sirius took a step closer and grabbed Remus by his shoulders and held him still and kissed him, and there was a low voice somewhere inside him, and he heard Remus sighing against his mouth, and there were fingers gripping his arms so tight it almost hurt, and he might have been crying, he might have, and then he pushed Remus away and leaned back, turning his head to face the wall. He heard Remus curse under his breath, or cry, he wasn’t sure, but he closed his eyes and then there was sharp pain cutting through him, and he thought _yes, yes_ , and a soft touch on his neck, and sobbing, and the birds were singing, insane, it was insane… and he heard the footsteps getting away from him, to the door and to the yard and then away, away towards the woods, and then they were gone and it was all quiet again.  
  
**  
  
23rd of October, 1922  
London, England  
  
**  
  
Remus took a deep breath.  
  
He couldn’t turn back, though, not now that he had spent weeks in that ship to get across the Atlantic, thrown up _a lot_ and then walked here and there in the city, trying to find clues, trying to figure out where to start looking. And not after he had quitted his job in Baltimore and said good bye to his friends and William, too, William who had come closest, closer than anyone else, and still it hadn’t been enough… and not after he had all those years woken up shaking time after time, gasping breath, heart beating wildly in his chest, and it all coming back: the terror of it, blackness and pain and the face of the boy he had killed, and then the quiet village, and grey eyes through that tiny window, and warm hand against his, and fingers that had grabbed his shoulders and hold him, and the kiss, _the kiss_ , and then he always had to go to the bathroom and wash his face with cold water and breath in, one, two, three, _just calm down, Remus, you stupid git, it’s been years._  
  
He couldn’t turn back now and never could have, not since he had got to that small forest near to the front line and tried to catch his breath and he had known he had to keep going, and that they’d find him anyway, it would be almost impossible to vanish here, but he had to try, because that stupid, reckless English boy had let him go, _shit, why did he do that, why did he, he has to know what it could cost him -_  
  
He knocked on the door.  
  
He stood there, waiting, for what felt like minutes, and felt his heart sinking down, and just as he was going to walk away, the door opened.

**Author's Note:**

> I had pretty much finished writing this when I realised that this is probably the first Muggle AU I've written, ever.
> 
> I did try to check facts about World War I for this story but I'm sure there's still a lot that I got wrong, so please feel free to raise your hand if you spot something! And since I'm a not-native speaker writing in English, there surely are grammar and spelling mistakes in the story. If you like betaing and are looking for more work, please contact me! ;)


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